Hashvertisement #1178 – The Readme-gate Hash

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Guangzhou Hash,

Readme Magazine is an English-language lifestyle magazine in Guangzhou that usually brings stories on innocuous topics. So it came as a bit of a surprise to me that this magazine just made a tentative move to establish itself as the vanguard of investigative journalism in China. According to Wikipedia, this form of journalism “investigates deeply into a single topic of interest, such as crime, political corruption, corporate wrongdoing” – and as of now also into hashing.

Lionel, chief editor of Readme Magazine, must have concluded that to target an informal group such as the Guangzhou Hash would probably be the safest way to make himself a name as an aspiring investigative journalist in China. However, there is a difference between investigative and insinuating journalism. Firstly, investigative journalists have the habit of informing their targets before the publication, in order to give them the opportunity to comment. By doing so, the smart investigative journalist might even be able to make last minute corrections to his article before going into print. That leads me to the second, far more important point.

The investigative journalist checks the facts. If Lionel would have done so he probably would have realized that the Hash’s international slogan is “The drinking club with the running problem”, and not “A club with a drinking problem”. One does not have to be an English teacher to understand why these two slogans carry very different connotations. The so-called 'eye-popping' slogan invented by Lionel is pushing us into the corner of the Not-quite-there-yet Alcoholics Anonymous. Nothing in this punch-line-free slogan, or for that matter in the whole article, tells the unbiased reader that we are in fact a running club. However, both of Lionel’s sources, Wikipedia and the GZH3 homepage, actually mention the correct slogan somewhere.

Needless to say that last night the tensions were even higher than during any other overheated Hash press conference. How fortunate that the Gold Mango had been wrecked during a previous Hash press conference already. Especially the Grand Master (that's what GM stands for, not General Manager) got under fire for the Readme-gate affair.

‘How could you possibly tell him that you are single-handedly organizing the Hash, oh humblest GM?’ someone inquired sarcastically.

‘I swear, I never told him that, and I also had no idea he was going to publish an article on us. In fact I explicitly asked him not to and he agreed,’ was my weak defense. ‘However, if he’d contacted me, and if he’d then still insisted on publishing the article, I’d have even helped him to get the facts straight. I promise, I would have told him that we have a very active mismanagement team and many other committed hashers who make the hash happen week after week to make sure that even an ordinary undercover reporter gets the best out of his 50 kuai.’

The mob responded as expected by chanting ‘Sounds like, sounds like…’ At least they weren’t getting physical.

That was seemingly about to change when one hasher, who considers himself a super smart one, rose to speak.

‘So what about the pictures then? Explain yourself!’

‘What pictures?’

‘The two pictures next to the article. One shows you speaking to the ecstatic masses and the other shows an exhausted, naked, humiliated and malnourished Dutchie forced to drink an obscure yellow liquid from a piss pot.’

‘We have malnourished Dutchies on the Hash?’ I asked lamely, but the super smart hasher ignored me.

‘Admit it,’ he went on, drilling his index finger like a lance into my chest. ‘You are trying to establish a leader cult on the Guangzhou Hash. It’s inevitable considering your German heritage.’

It took me five minutes to make myself heard in the shit storm which came over me right after the super smart hasher’s accusation. People were truly outraged.

‘Let me prove that I got nothing to do with it. Just read the article carefully,’ I begged the lynch mob to suspend the execution. ‘Have you noticed that the author claims that on the Hash I am only known under the name of “On On”? If I were about to start a new Fuhrer cult, wouldn’t I at least make sure that the people get my name right? I am pretty sure that Hitler would not have made it into the history books if he’d been known to the German people as “Adolf Best Regards”.

Surprisingly, this convinced the masses and eventually turned their anger towards the author, who was not present.

‘Punish him! Let’s get a certain Dutchie to hug him right after finishing an exposed and steep runner’s trail on a sunny, hot, and steamy day! Or let’s wait with that until after the dinner when the sweat is not all that fresh anymore! Make him take out a certain harriette for a romantic candle light dinner! Make him listen to a Frenchie telling jokes! Make him read every single word in his magazine from front to back! Continue with the previous issue! Complain to his advertising partners! Tar and feather him.’

The rant went on and on, and so does this hashvertisement, so I’ll just cut it off right here and spare you the rest of the suggested retaliations. Finally a wise hasher, who wants to remain anonymous, called for reasoning.

‘Folks, violence and hatred aren’t the right answers for a semi-civilized group as ours. In fact, violence will get you kicked out from the Hash immediately, and hatred has the same effect on the Hash spirit like a terrible disease that eats up the body from within. So please keep both away from the Hash. We just want to have a good time. So, let’s see whether Lionel is courageous enough to show up on the Hash this Saturday. We promise we won’t bite. Are we clear on that?’

The wise hasher paused and tried to look every single hasher into the eye. Many of those however didn’t look back because they were staring at the ground or into the air, or turning their backs as if there was someone cute standing behind them. Some were even whistling a mellow tune to pretend innocence. Finally, the wise hasher went on.

‘However, his buttocks are clearly begging to sit on a neat block of ice. Lionel is still on the hash mailing list, isn’t he?’

‘Yes, he still is,’ confirmed the Webwanker.

‘Well then we’ll see on Saturday. In the meantime: “Free Beer For All The Hashers…”’

And with that he ordered a round of beer, and the decision on how to respond to the unsanctioned article was happily delayed until Saturday.

To be continued….

When: Saturday, October 6, 2012 @ 1.30 PM

Where: Gold Mango Bar

Who: Mark and 00

What: The Readme-gate Hash

On On,

00

PS: Yesterday I asked Lionel that I was planning to send out this hashvertisement and whether he’d like to comment. This is his reply:

Hey on on, it's all in the lighter side. Nothing is to be taken seriously - all in the spirit of fun! I am not in GZ at the moment. I would love to come! Say hi to everyone!

Have fun and cheers,

L

The block of ice that has LIONEL all written over it has to stay in the lockers for a bit longer.

-- www.gzh3.net

From the hashvertisement emailed by the mismanagement on 2012-10-04.